okay, technically i am a “fallen-away” catholic–which for some reason has been a title that has always appealed to me. like i can’t actually leave; they’ll allow me to stop going to church–but i still have to be catholic. but like any good catholic of any type, i am riddled with guilt & when my life starts going well i start expecting the sky to fall. because in catholicism, if you aren’t suffering, you’re doing something wrong. it’s all about the martyrs. & i have a good martyr complex going on. weird, right? but true. i am more comfortable when my life is in the crapper then i am when my life is going smoothly. plus, my childhood was utter chaos–so i am conditioned for the rough stuff–i never learned how to deal with happiness & peace & foreign ideas such as these. (i wasn’t happy, in fact, until i was 19 & in therapy. somehow during therapy i tapped into my ability to be happy & i was like high for a month.)
so right now things are going kind of good for me. i am writing & drawing a lot. writing & drawing are my choice activities along with walking, gardening, biking, yoga & napping. i am happiest when i can do these activities. i haven’t written or drawn lately unless i’ve been in a class that requires it. however, during my last art class i developed a character by evolving a character based on me who i did a comic about called confusion perfume which was based on my neurotic personality & dating habits. i wanted to be doing a comic that was more “graphic novelly” so i worked on it in my class & for my final project created moses jones: apocalyptic mama. then i stopped. but recently i decided to start a blog to continue my journey with moses jones. and i am so freaking happy to be writing & drawing again. i love the feeling of having inspiration hit & having to scramble to write down an idea. i love completing a piece of art & just looking at it & thinking, “i did this. i made this.” (which might be why i have 4 kids…) it effects my everyday life. i am in a better mood. i feel more hopeful. i’m more tolerant of the tedium that comes with motherhood & having to deal with the same situations every day in a horrific groundhog’s day type way. it’s wonderful.
so now, of course, i’m convinced the world is going to end tomorrow or the next day….