because i’m catholic…good times scare me

okay, technically i am a “fallen-away” catholic–which for some reason has been a title that has always appealed to me.  like i can’t actually leave; they’ll allow me to stop going to church–but i still have to be catholic.  but like any good catholic of any type, i am riddled with guilt & when my life starts going well i start expecting the sky to fall.  because in catholicism, if you aren’t suffering, you’re doing something wrong.  it’s all about the martyrs.  & i have a good martyr complex going on.  weird, right?  but true.  i am more comfortable when my life is in the crapper then i am when my life is going smoothly.  plus, my childhood was utter chaos–so i am conditioned for the rough stuff–i never learned how to deal with happiness & peace & foreign ideas such as these.  (i wasn’t happy, in fact, until i was 19 & in therapy.  somehow during therapy i tapped into my ability to be happy &  i was like high for a month.)

so right now things are going kind of good for me.  i am writing & drawing a lot.  writing & drawing are my choice activities along with walking, gardening, biking, yoga & napping.  i am happiest when i can do these activities.  i haven’t written or drawn lately unless i’ve been in a class that requires it.  however, during my last art class i developed a character by evolving a character based on me who i did a comic about called confusion perfume which was based on my neurotic personality & dating habits.  i wanted to be doing a comic that was more “graphic novelly”  so i worked on it in my class & for my final project created moses jones:  apocalyptic mama.  then i stopped.  but recently i decided to start a blog to continue my journey with moses jones.   and i am so freaking happy to be writing & drawing again.  i love the feeling of having inspiration hit & having to scramble to write down an idea.  i love completing a piece of art & just looking at it & thinking, “i did this.  i made this.”  (which might be why i have 4 kids…)  it effects my everyday life.  i am in a better mood.  i feel more hopeful.  i’m more tolerant of the tedium that comes with motherhood & having to deal with the same situations every day in a horrific groundhog’s day type way.  it’s wonderful.

so now, of course, i’m convinced the world is going to end tomorrow or the next day….

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