hulk smash

i am working on mindfulness…again…staying present and not losing my mind. looking at my anger triggers. wondering at my anger triggers. the other day one of my kids kept taking the blankets off of me & i was starting to get rabidly angry. then i blurted out–”stop doing that! i had a boyfriend who used to do that & i can’t stand people doing that!” and then i remembered. paul fucking valerio. he was an awful motherfucker who used to like to torture me. one thing he would do is take all of the blankets & refuse to give them back. it wasn’t funny. it wasn’t cute. it was abusive. my triggers are often ways i have been abused. my kids aren’t abusing me when they do it–they’re just kids that do annoying things without thinking…but my subconscious doesn’t know that. my subconscious just reacts. and i get angry. hulk angry.

there are so many ways i’ve been abused. so many triggers. being ignored is a trigger. having my hair pulled is a trigger. taunting is a trigger. lying is a trigger. calling me a liar is a trigger. behaving as if i don’t matter is a trigger.

i want to be a better mom. i see my anger in my oldest. i see him lose his mind like he sees me lose my mind. i don’t like feeling this way. i love it when i can be easy going mom. i want to teach him how to deal with his anger. i don’t want my anger to be my legacy to my kids.

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