i had my first class of my second level writer’s workshop today. i had mixed feelings on it. mostly good, but it is always weird for me to have my peers be people i am old enough to be the mom of…except i don’t feel like i am. they feel like peers. except now that i am older i am more confident & don’t give a rat’s ass about fitting in or being liked. in fact, i think it’s funny & entertaining when i don’t fit in or am not liked. that’s probably more of a problem for other people…now that i think of it…i enjoy being contrary. i enjoy making other people uncomfortable. i enjoy a good argument. not in a mean way. really…i’m not mean…or i don’t mean to be….
i looooove writing. i so so so really do. essay tests, questionnaires, school papers, short stories, screen plays, comics, i love it all….i just love it so much. words are awesome. i know that makes me some kind of geek & some people think i talk funny–but even if my unschooled kids are a little behind on the math & the more boring sciences–their vocabulary is spectacular.
i also love taking classes. i love learning. i have a 3.9 gpa & am not afraid to randomly bring that up. i am totally a geek.
my therapist has noticed that i am more sane when i am in class. do i feel like i have purpose when i am in school vs. being just a mom as i am afraid society views me? i also like being in a position to show off my strengths. even if i am good at being a mom–most of it goes unseen. and the one audience member i regularly have will not throw me a bone. when i am in school i have professors telling me how awesome i am. i like having people with ph.d’s tell me i am awesome. does that make me shallow? sylvia plath put her head in an oven because of the conflicting nature of the writer mother. i think of that often. too often sometimes. sometimes it keeps me going–weird, right? i mean if i can one up sylvia plath by not putting my head in the oven–that would be something, right? school helps me to focus. my comics–my art & writing–help me to breathe. being a mom…i would never leave my kids…& some days it isn’t something i even think about–but, fuck me, being a mom is hard.