my kids don’t go to school…but i do.

i had my first class of my second level writer’s workshop today.  i had mixed feelings on it.  mostly good, but it is always weird for me to have my peers be people i am old enough to be the mom of…except i don’t feel like i am.  they feel like peers.  except now that i am older i am more confident & don’t give a rat’s ass about fitting in or being liked.  in fact, i think it’s funny & entertaining when i don’t fit in or am not liked.  that’s probably more of a problem for other people…now that i think of it…i enjoy being contrary.  i enjoy making other people uncomfortable.  i enjoy a good argument.  not in a mean way.  really…i’m not mean…or i don’t mean to be….

i looooove writing.  i so so so really do.  essay tests, questionnaires, school papers, short stories, screen plays, comics, i love it all….i just love it so much.  words are awesome.  i know that makes me some kind of geek & some people think i talk funny–but even if my unschooled kids are a little behind on the math & the more boring sciences–their vocabulary is spectacular.

i also love taking classes.  i love learning.  i have a 3.9 gpa & am not afraid to randomly bring that up.  i am totally a geek.

my therapist has noticed that i am more sane when i am in class.  do i feel like i have purpose when i am in school vs. being just a mom as i am afraid society views me?  i also like being in a position to show off my strengths.  even if i am good at being a mom–most of it goes unseen.  and the one audience member i regularly have will not throw me a bone.  when i am in school i have professors telling me how awesome i am.  i like having people with ph.d’s tell me i am awesome.  does that make me shallow?  sylvia plath put her head in an oven because of the conflicting nature of the writer mother.  i think of that often.  too often sometimes.  sometimes it keeps me going–weird, right?  i mean if i can one up sylvia plath by not putting my head in the oven–that would be something, right?  school helps me to focus.  my comics–my art & writing–help me to breathe.  being a mom…i would never leave my kids…& some days it isn’t something i even think about–but, fuck me, being a mom is hard.

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