never enough sleep

I have been…where the fuck have I been?  School is not keeping me that busy.  My kids keep me busy–but that’s been going on for like nine years now.  All I want to do is fall asleep.  And read comics.  I have been reading a lot of comics.  I pretend it is “research” for my inevitable career as a graphic novelist (see:  http://apocalypticmama.com/ )

I am really really seriously not kidding this time moving away from the Dad soon.  Leaving town, hope hope hope.  I had a house lined up, but the landlord disappeared on me??  That’s weird, right?  I have never had that happen.  I have had at least two boyfriends disappear on me (I’ve always wondered–since we never broke up–are we still dating?)  But now I have been checking out Small Town, Wisconsin up by Lake Michigan.  The rent is about half of what it is here in Madison…there is a two year art college…and I have a friend up there.  Maybe I could do some in-house childcare…or work part-time making food.  Something.  Or become a successful graphic novelist.  Something!

The Dad and I have been FiGhtiNg!  So bad.  You’re not supposed to fight in front of the kids.  You’re not supposed to tell the kids their dad is an asshole.  These are things you are not supposed to do.  I know this.  I do.  But it is like I have gone past this place where I was able to not do that.  Thinking about this–just now while nursing the baby back to sleep–I realized that while I have been so terribly fighting with the Dad, I have not been screaming at the kids.  Like I am putting my anger & frustration in a more appropriate place (now I just have to learn to do it at a more appropriate time so I don’t have an under-10 audience) and not lashing out at my poor kids.

I am burned out on school.  It is costing too much and taking too long and all I want to do is hang out with my kids, draw, paint, and garden.  I am dropping out at the end of the semester.

And moving.

Yes, moving.

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