sleep…dear sweet sleep….

this morning was brutal.  newborn goes to bed at 6pm.  he sleeps until midnight–then needs a diaper change & nurses back to sleep.  after that he wakes up every couple hours after that for a diaper change and to nurse.  he wakes up fully between 5 & 7.

i am a night person.  i loathe the morning.  my first baby was also a night person & would sleep in with me.  i thought, “this is so easy!”  then my next baby was a morning person.  bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7 am…no matter what time he went to bed.  that’s when my relationship with sleep deprivation began.  i eventually got me some postpartum anxiety and that’s when i started making an effort to get more sleep.

here’s the twist…the deeper darker nemesis to my sleep health…my father instilled in me that sleeping was slothful.  he made me feel like i was doing something wrong to sleep.  but i LOVE to sleep.  so i sleep–& i feel guilty about it.  the dh plays the same game.  he makes snide comments about my sleeping.  he criticizes me & behaves as if i am a negligent mother if i try to take a nap.  it began when i was pregnant for my first–working 40 plus hours as an animal caretaker/dog evaluator/humane officer at our local shelter.  i would come home & fall asleep on the couch only to be asked, “why do you sleep all the time?”

now i have four kids & a dh plotting against my sleep cycles.  seriously, kids are so adept at sleep torture.  this morning i am exhausted because the newborn was restless from before dawn well into the morning.  i take him & leave him with the dh and scuttle back to my room for some guilty sleep.  however, the 5 and a half (the highest energy morning person ever & who has been sleep torturing me since the very beginning of his existence) has some need to come into my room just as i fall asleep three separate times to ask me food related questions.  all while the dh stands in the kitchen–with the food.  granted i am somewhat of a control freak regarding food–but sleep trumps all.  if i could get some sleep, they could eat me out of house & home, chips…pickles…ice cream…marshmallows…i don’t care–just let me get some sleep…please!

just go to bed earlier, he tells me.  but my natural sleep cycles won’t tolerate that.  i just lay in bed obsessing.  plus, i want to live a little & the nighttime is the only time i get me time.

poo….

i can always sleep when i’m dead, so it’s said…which should be soon if i don’t start getting more sleep….

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