The biggest baby in my home….

is the father of my children.

he’s not my “dh” unless “dh” means dickhead…but still, he is not “mine” as he likes to remind me.  we are not in a relationship.  we are not a couple.  if you are confused & call us that (as i often do) he is quick to let you know that we are not an us.  so we are not married.  we are not in a partnership.  he won’t even qualify us for a relationship.  for awhile i was trying–but he insisted, after eleven years, that he is actually a polygamist and wants to have sex with other people.  but he still wants to have me in his life.  & sexually.  like swinging & shit.  and i was willing to do it.  i told him i was willing to try, but i wanted to make sure we were solid first….i wanted to make sure i would feel safe in any swinging to be done….  but that wouldn’t fly with him.  that was too much work.  i think he was using his new found polygamist personality to rationalize cheating on me.  i think.  i can’t figure anything else out.  and he never tells me anything…so all i have is my guesses.  it’s so stupid.  why can’t we just talk.  in my head i think i should just talk to him & it is all rational and crap.  but then when i actually try to talk to him, it just doesn’t happen that way.  no matter how i formulate my thoughts, he reacts as if i am attacking him.  and he retaliates by saying things that make me think he is trying to convince me i am crazy.

so much fun!

why am i still doing this?  why do i still try?  or should i try harder?  what if it is me?  what if i am crazy?  what if i am not giving him a fair chance…okay, but i can’t be that crazy.

oy vey.

this morning he tried to throw me & the babes out of the bed so he could sleep longer.  and he got pissy when we wouldn’t leave.  as if he was up all night changing diapers, nursing the newborn, comforting the toddler, and checking on the peed bed situation of the oldest one.

poor baby.

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