torn between two titles…

i have a habit of thinking of titles as well as fb statuses throughout the day.  weird, sad maybe, but true.  so i first was going to call this post “i make a mean frickin’ chicken noodle soup”  but then i thought a more apt title might be “i just took two placenta pills & washed them down with a beer–hope to god i feel better soon!”  okay, that second on is a little long.  but i think we can all assume that this post might be all over the place.

i made chicken noodle soup with homemade noodles & it is kickass soup.  i played around with having a bonified mommyblog with recipes & helpful tips & crap like that…but my personality does not lend itself to being that kind of mommy…whenever i tried, i took a quick left turn into uncomfortable land…which is one reason why i titled this blog the lost mama blog.  but i am a good cook.  a great baker.  and sometimes a good mom.  at least they will have something to complain about when they are grown–their memoirs will be interesting.  i’m inconsistent at best.  not a real structured person or mom.  they don’t seem to mind.  they forgive me my shortcomings…so far.  but the dh does not.  he keeps tabs and creates an even darker & more fucked up image of me than i create of myself.  i feel i cannot do anything right.  sometimes i think i’m getting it right–but he is quick to let me know that i am an asshole & probably always will be.

i think i might be too hard on the dh.  or am i?  if i see his socks on the floor, i think, “i hate you.”  if he stays at work late…if he leaves a sink full of dirty dishes…if he leaves coffee grounds on the cutting board…if he spends his day playing video games, i think, “my god, i hate you.”  kind of rough of me, right?  but the thing is…i would forgive all this, if he was nice to me…if he pretended to care…if he asked me every once in awhile what he could do to help…if he told me every once in awhile that i was doing a good job….

but that doesn’t happen, & i have sunk to a level of being unable to forgive him anything.  hair in my hairbrush…using my conditioner to whack off in the shower…making passes at me when he feels generous….

so here’s why i am gulping placenta pills with dark beer…i am so so so stressed out.  i was proud of myself for making it through breakfast before losing my mind today.  my nerves are shot.  i am snipping at my kids.  so angry at them for the littlest thing.  it doesn’t feel little to me.  all i want to do is lock myself away and read a book or watch a movie…but i can’t without a baby crying or a toddler climbing all over me or a little boy demanding i pay attention to him.  to write this blog post i had to have a toddler in my lap, randomly hitting buttons, writing on me with a pen, demanding to nurse, and stomping her little foot if i took her off my lap and put her on the floor.  and i just want to cry.  i want time to myself.  am i an asshole to want some time?  to do some yoga?  to go for a walk?  i was thinking today that it will be maybe five years before i can take a walk by myself.  do art untethered.  write something without having my train of thought derailed in the most brutal ways….  i start spring semester this week.  i have one online course & one on campus course.  i am terrified.

(now she is stomping her foot & trying to unplug the internet…poor thing…why doesn’t her mama get off the computer & pay attention to her?  because her fucking mama is pissed off at her fucking father who should be home to play with her but he chose to go run an errand right now after i’ve been alone with them all day instead of waiting until morning when it would be more convenient for me & the kids….)

i read shutter island and that messed with my head.  mothers drowning children.  main character losing his mind.  i got way too deep into the story.  i do that.  and i’ve been watching the following late at night when i should be sleeping.  if i were smart i would be sleeping.  but i miss having the kind of life where i could do stuff & not be woken up at 5 am by an infant.  just five more years & things should settle down a bit.

so stress, right?  and postpartum crap too, i’m sure.  yay.  i’m going to go bake some bread & finish my beer & cuddle my toddler to sleep.

so much anger in this one….

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